Chapter Nine: Drinking and Drugs

I hate the way our society chooses to tackle the issue of drinking and drugs. It's nearly as bad as our abstinence programs. Ugh. This is particularly awful when you consider other industrialized nations that don't have the problems that we do with underage drinking and drugs because they have made them either legal or are less restrictive with drinking ages or the like. <insert me stepping down from my soapbox here>

Chapter takeaways:
Boys are anxious creatures. One side effect of alcohol is that is lessens anxiety.
When boys drink, they almost always drink to excess.
Use of alcohol at younger ages is associated with a double risk of HIV infections: these boys have more partners and are less likely to use condoms.

I suck and am behind in my reading

Gentle readers,

I promise to continue on our Raising Cain journey and finish the last few chapters soon. I'm amazed at how fast time passes when there is a little one about. Babies and kids are extraordinary but they sure do suck up a lot of your time. In a good way, though. Lest anyone think I am upset with my son for demanding my attention.

I also promise to comment on entries of those who have posted before me. Despite my untimeliness, I do value your thoughts and interpretations of the material we are reviewing. It is why we started this book club adventure.

And so, having said that, I must ask: What are we reading next?

Best,

Christie

What A Boy Wants. What a Boy Needs. Romancing the Stone

Let's talk about sex, baby.


An insight into a boy's sexual development:
(It appears that boys begin their sexual development around age 11 - so I will be using the term "boys" as opposed to "men" while discussing this chapter.)
Boys want three basic things when it comes to sex and romance.

1. Boys want to love and be loved.


2. Boys want to satisfy their sexual impulses. (Many have years of experience with this going "solo" before attempting to satisfy their needs with a partner.)


3. Boys want to be manly.
   

Although boys want to love and be loved many struggle and misread cues from girls and will choose simple sex over a true relationship with intimacy. Some just give up trying to figure out how to have any relationship (a true relationship or just sex relationship).

Boys want to satifsy their sexual impulses, but sex is a complicated process. There is potential for frustration and failure and rejection. If a boy does not know how to cope with these feelings there's a chance he might react with anger.

Boys want to be seen as manly. They fear dependence on a girl because they fear they will be devastated by that girl. Boys want to seem powerful and dominate over women (again for fear of being rejected).

Each boy is given a sexual script that is determined by their neighborhood, school, and ethnic/religious context. Since sexual development happens at the same time the culture of cruelty begins boys will push aside any "femine" feelings they may be having and instead try to make themselves appear manly.

What we can do!

• Fathers can model respect for women.
• Mothers can help their son understand a girl's point of view.
• Everyone else in a boy's life can encourage connectedness to others.

Email?

Hey-
I cannot find your email address, but what's the Second Shift about?

Drinking and Drugs

A lot of this chapter really surprised me. Probably because the group of friends I hung out with the most through high school did not drink - boys and girls included. Or if they did drink it wasn't a regular thing at all. Anyway...here's what surprised me the most:

• by the 10th grade it's likely that a boy has been drunk
• the more educated parent's are = more likely for their son to smoke pot

And then some of the things i read in this chapter did not surprise me at all:

• Boys drink because, "There's nothing else to do."
• They like the feeling of, "being kind of indestructible."
• alcohol seems to help reducte anxiety problems.
• boys bond with each other while drinking - allows them to have an emotional connection that, when sober, would be frowned upon
• boys who lack an emotional connect turn to alcohol and drugs (AGAIN - we need to teach our sons emotional literacy)

And then I learned something new! (not related much to drinking and drugs)

• Tactile sense protects us from pain
• Touch results in the release of natural painkillin opiates. (wow! So a hug after a kid falls actually does make them feel better physically as well as emotionally. Neat!)

Overall this chapter provided us with some scary facts of boys drinking and drug use. And once again, it seems that to prevent this downward spirial we need to provide our boys with an emotional education so that they do not feel the need to feel that void with alcohol or drugs.

Boys' Struggle With Depression and Suicide

First of all, the thing that struck me the most in this chapter was the story of Keith and his suicide note - and how amazingly in denial his parents were. (at first I wanted to say "jerky parents" but then when I thought about it I think they just didn't want to admit he had a problem) His mother was angry for being bothered at work about this and his parents choose to send him to a different school the following year. (Where he did try commit suicide and finally was able to get the help and attention he was so desperately needing.)

With depression in boys, parents and teachers are usually so "caught up in reacting to the symptoms that they couldn't see what was behind them." So instead of always just punishing behaviors we need to stop and think "Why did he just do that?"

Boys face a psychological conflict trying to control their complex feelings. When they can't do this, their psyche surrendors - and that can lead to true depression.

Boys begin to undergo physical changes around age 12 (much earlier than 100 years ago) and there seems to be a huge gap between their physical and emotional maturity. Boys have a very difficult time keeping up emotionally with all of the physical changes happening to them.

There's a discrepancy between how you'd think boys feel about themselves and how they actually feel. Even the brightest students, best athletes, etc. feel inadequate in one way or another.

Again - we need to teach boys to use an emotional vocabulary - dialogue and relection can help a great deal.

When dealing with depression and suicide it's important to ask direct questions. "Have you thought about killing yourself?" "How?" If the boy has a quick answer for "how" then he has seriously considered suicide and needs help.

Depression can be seen as irritablity in boys and is often described as being a "cranky old man". Also, with true depression the boys (or anyone) can't simply choose to be some other way.

So Far Behind

Christie - I'm soooo far behind on the book club thing. Not sure when I'm going to get to the next two chapters...by Tuesday. I will do it by Tuesday. That's about a week or so late. So sorry!!! I'm tired right now and we've got company coming tomorrow to discuss Disney plans! Then work on Monday - so yeah, Tuesday it is. Quinn will be back at school, Liam will nap (hopefully), and I will read and report.